“It has come to my attention that Mitt Romney stole a soft-leaded no. 2 pencil from a kid named ‘Jimmy’ while in the sixth grade,” stated President Obama in press conference held in Ohio earlier today. “This represents a pattern on the part of Governor Romney of exploiting the poor and middle class in an effort to line his own pockets--a pattern that began as early as grade school,” continued an indignant Obama.
Governor Romney disputes the account saying the pencil in question was a mechanical pencil, not soft-leaded. Romney went on to clarify that he did not steal the pencil, he “retroactively borrowed it.” When pressed, Romney explained he actually took the pencil in 3rd grade, three years earlier than what the President is alleging, and returned the pencil to Jimmy in the sixth grade.
“When I left for recess to conduct the school yard games, I relinquished any managerial control of the pencil because I simply left it in my backpack,” Romney explained with a smug grin on his face. “I thereafter returned the pencil, consummating what my lawyers termed as a ‘retroactive borrowing.’”
Romney went on to accuse President of Obama bringing up irrelevant issues and “engaging in personal attacks to distract from the President’s failed policies and inability to get America working again.”
David Axelrod, Obama’s campaign manager, disputes the notion that this kind of attack is irrelevant to a presidential campaign, and that the candidates ought to be focusing on the issues facing this country.
“Presidential elections come down to which candidate the American people hate less. Nobody liked Bush, but they liked Gore and Kerry even less,” said Axelrod. “People don’t give a bleep about the nuances of policy. We just want to make sure people dislike Romney more than they do Obama,” continued Axelrod.
It is widely expected that the two candidates will continue to avoid the issues at all costs, and operate their respective campaigns to become the leader of the free world as if they were participants on a daytime talk show.